


need against need against need

by CallicoKitten



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Falling In Love, M/M, Mental Instability, Poor Life Choices, Slow Burn, Smut, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 06:24:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11285508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: Vitally Ryder is not a good man. Somehow, Jaal still finds himself fascinated.





	need against need against need

Vitally Ryder is not a good man. He says as much to Jaal in the tech labs of their strange ship.

"I'm not the hero everyone wants me to be," he says, leaning against the door frame. He is tall for a human, almost as tall as Jaal but he is painfully narrow. Painfully thin. Jaal is certain that he could snap any of Ryder's limbs as easily as he could a twig. "I'm just here to do my job."

Jaal does not pretend to understand, as far as he can discern the human Pathfinder's job is to be a hero but he nods anyway.

Ryder nods back. "Good," he says, lingering in the doorway, long fingers curled around it. "Good."

\---

In the field, Ryder is efficient. Perhaps too efficient.

He does not share the biotic abilities of some of his team mates, relies instead on bullets and technologies and grenades. His armour is heavy, makes him slow but still, he charges before them into the fray, not caring that his shields have depleted.

He carries a shot gun and an assault rifle but mostly he seems to prefer using a heavy, unwieldy hammer. Krogan made, Jaal is told by Drack who seems to take Ryder's preference as a source of pride. Meant for crushing skulls. If it is indeed so, Ryder is putting it to good use.

The first time Jaal had seen him fight was on Voeld, the Kett facility they held the Moshae at. He had not balked then at Ryder's brutality, at Ryder pounding his hammer into the a Kett's skull over and over and over until all that was left was a sludgy, dark mess.

Before they learnt the truth, at least.

That first time though, that first time he had been surprised but not disgusted. There had been times he had yearned to do the same, after all. To take a kett and pound and pound and pound until there was nothing left to hate.

Cora though had snapped at him, "Ryder, that's _enough_." And Ryder had turned, eyes wide and feral, spattered in a fine dark mist and panting.

"You're no fun," he'd said.

When they found out the truth about exaltation, Ryder had been no less brutal, cutting down the Chosen as easily as he had before. He had paused though in that room, stood over Jaal with his hammer slung over one shoulder, breathing heavily.

"I'm not good at this," he'd started with. Then he'd squeezed Jaal's shoulder. "I'm sorry but we have to keep moving."

He was right, of course but it had still stung.

\---

It is not just the kett Ryder obliterates. Beasts, roekarr, outcasts, each he destroys as though they have personally wronged him, as though they have taken his family and pulled them apart before his eyes.

On Voeld, he refuses to destroy the AI. The prisoners die. Jaal waits until they are back aboard the Tempest to voice his hurt, his confusion. "What is wrong with you?" he wonders aloud as they enter the cargo bay.

They are not alone, Cora and Liam were with them on the ground, Vetra is checking through their cargo, Gil and Peebee sit shoulder to shoulder above them, legs swinging over the edge of the walkway.

Ryder does not pause, does not turn.

"Are you so careless with all lives or is it just angara?" Jaal calls after him. The humans tense. He still does not understand their ways, the idea of keeping everything down, deep down within, makes no sense.

Ryder does pause this time. Sighs with his whole body, shoulders drooping, head tipping forwards. When he turns to Jaal though, his face is impassive, his posture rigid. "This is war, Jaal," he says calmly. "I told you not to expect a hero."

He leaves. Cora comes to stand beside Jaal. "Some people are just born wrong," she says. There is the barest hint of disgust in her voice, mostly she just sounds sad, resigned. "Let's just be grateful he's on our side."

Jaal shakes his head. "I do not believe people are simply born wrong."

\---

Jaal sends infrequent reports to Evfra. Mostly, they concern their findings on the remnant vaults, their discoveries of kett tech and bases across the system. Evfra rarely presses for more details but when he does it concerns the Pathfinder. He wants to know whether Ryder is trustworthy, truly trustworthy.

 _He is committed,_ Jaal writes. _Dedicated. He keeps things professional._

\---

"Poor baby," Vetra croons.

She is bitter, angry. Her little sister sent a message asking for help, Ryder said it wasn't a priority, suggested Vetra pass it along to someone on their big home-ship. Vetra hasn't heard from her sister since.

"Poor baby," she says again. "Daddy only loved him enough to save his life and doom the rest of us to following his messed up piece of shit son around the galaxy."

Ryder scowls at her across the Nomad. They are on Elaaden, stuck in a craggy sand ditch. Jaal holds up the back wheels as the other two work to try and drag the vehicle back out to the road.

"I didn't ask you to follow me," he says. "In fact, I'd rather you didn't."

"Exactly why I'm sticking around," Vetra spits.

\---

On Kadara, Jaal does not miss the way Ryder looks at Shena. Reyes Vidal. Ryder's gaze follows Reyes as he leaves the bar, he raises his glass to his lips slowly.

Jaal waits. Has stayed silent all through their exchange.

Ryder looks at him as he sets the empty glass down. "What?" he asks.

"Is it wise to fraternise with a known smuggler?"

Ryder snorts, shakes his head. It is the first time Jaal has seen him smile. A brief, faint curl of his lips. "Don't worry, Jaal. I'm not an idiot. That man would screw me over first chance he got."

He signals for another drink, drains it in one. "Keep the change," he says to the bartender. "Let's go get this idiot out of jail."

\---

Sloane Kelly offers Ryder an alternative. It will be quicker, more efficient.

Ryder takes it.

\---

After they find the Salarian Ark, the Tempest is quiet. Ryder has shut himself in his quarters. No one, Jaal notes, has gone to speak with him. He understands that Ryder is difficult but after Voeld, after the facility, they all offered Jaal their support despite not knowing him well.

The ship is quiet as Jaal pads towards Ryder's quarters. He raises a hand and knocks.

On the other side of the door he hears Ryder's AI speak. Ryder replies. There is pause and then door slides open. "I said no, SAM," Ryder says, frustration clear in his tone.

Jaal looks around for him.

It is dim in the Pathfinder's quarters, lit only by the faint blue-glow of the many monitors that dot the walls. In one corner by the desk, SAM's interface flickers. Ryder is in the seating area but he sits on the floor between the chairs instead of on one. His back is against the wall, one leg stretched out, the other folded towards his body. There is a bottle of human liquor half full at his side, another empty lying on it's side.

Ryder watches him approach. Warily, like a cornered beast. "What do you want?" he asks, voice full of venom.

"I came to see if you were alright."

Even in the dim light Jaal can make out Ryder's frown. He takes another step closer, freezes. There is a dark stain on the collar of Ryder's white jumper. It is colourless in the dark but Jaal knows instinctively what it is.

"You are hurt," he says, moving towards Ryder.

He moves too quickly. Ryder jerks back. His hands come up spread wide in front of him to keep Jaal at bay. Jaal eases up, crouches down slowly so they are at eye level. "Ryder - " he begins.

Ryder lowers his hands. "It's fine," he says, annoyed. He leans forward, exposes his neck to Jaal. "I took care of it, see?" He rubs at the blood there. It comes away in flakes. The skin beneath it is bare, smooth. Uninjured.

Closer now, Jaal can see the blood underneath Ryder's nails.

"You did this to yourself," Jaal says. He is half fascinated, half uncomprehending.

Ryder tilts his head back against the wall and laughs. It is a sound that comes from low in his chest, bubbles up and pushes past his teeth raspy and hacking. "I did," he says. He raises one hand, inspects his nails. "I wanted this damn thing out of my head."

"The AI?"

Ryder nods. There is a soft noise as his omni-blade is deployed. He raises it up, turns his wrist this way and that to inspect it. "I tried to cut it out," Ryder says, his gaze is fixed on the blade but at the same time very far away. "It wouldn't let me. SAM wouldn't let me."

"Ryder," Jaal says again because he does not know what else to say.

Ryder's gaze flicks back to Jaal. His eyes are blue, very blue. The blue of Voeld ice, smooth and cool and of unfathomable depth. "You should go," is all he says.

\---

They dock with the Nexus for the first time since Jaal has joined their crew. It is bigger than he was expecting, busier. The people stare. It is uncomfortable.

Liam is angry, stalks off the Tempest and brushes past Jaal. He wants them to spend more time settling Heleus, Ryder wants to defeat the Archon first. He mutters an apology without turning back.

Cora, Drack and Peebee have already departed. Suvi is still aboard, both Kallo and Gil have announced they will remain with the ship. Vetra comes to stand beside him, "You okay?"

Jaal is not okay but in his time amongst the Tempest crew he has learnt that it is not always wise to share ones feelings. "Yes," he says. "I am to meet with the angaran ambassador soon."

Vetra nods. Jaal is still learning to read her moods. "Okay," she says eventually. "I'll be in Operations if you need anyone beaten up for you."

Jaal smiles and thanks her. She moves off. The ambassador arrives. They talk, exchange information. Jaal is interviewed by an asari reporter; he makes a statement for the record - whatever that may be. When he is done, he drifts.

He wanders back to the Tempest briefly, finds that only Kallo is still with the ship. The rest of the team is scattered to the wind. "I'm afraid I can only tell you that Suvi is in the tech labs and Vetra and Drack are in Operations," Kallo says. He is distracted, composing a list of all the things Gil has changed about the ship.

"Miss Harper is in Pathfinder HQ," SAM says, without being asked. "Peebee is in her apartment. Gil and Liam are in the vortex. Lexi has gone to resupply the medical bay."

"And Ryder?" Jaal asks.

SAM is quiet for long moments. "He is on the Hyperion," the AI says eventually. "The cryo bay."

\---

Ryder does not look particularly surprised to see him. He stands over the bed of a woman who can only be his sister. He has never spoken of her to Jaal, it is only through Liam and Cora that Jaal knows of her existence.

The cryo bay is busy, full of the low murmur of conversation and various beeping machines. When Ryder speaks, he does so very quietly. "I wish she would wake up," he says. "She would be so much better at this than me. She's - you know."

Jaal does not know. He waits for Ryder to explain.

Ryder sighs. Rubs at his eyes, runs his hand through his hair. "She's a good person. Not - Not like me." His hands curl into fists at his side.

Jaal is not going to lie to him, not going to placate. Instead he rests a hand on Ryder's shoulder, wonders that it is not thrown off immediately.

\---

"He's sick," Liam says. Kicks at the ground, shakes his head, taps his rifle against his leg. "Must be. There's no other explanation. People aren't just - "

They are on Kadara, clearing out the last of Sloane's exiles. Ryder has been no less brutal to those of his own species. For some reason, this has come as a shock to Liam.

There is a young woman sprawled before them. She is perhaps Ryder's age, perhaps younger. Her chest has been caved in by Ryder's hammer.

"Hey, you wanted a settlement, he's clearing you a path," Drack offers. "The kid's efficient, gotta give him that."

"I get that," Liam mutters. "But he doesn't need to be so cruel about it."

Ryder stands a few feet away from them while Cora sets up the settlement beacon, staring absently at his blood stained hands.

\---

 _Efficient,_ Jaal writes in his next report to Evfra. _Vitally Ryder is efficient._

\---

They have a night off before they leave Kadara. Jaal stays on the Tempest, Kadara port is not for him. He finds himself wandering into the medbay. Lexi looks up as he enters; she is elbow deep in a kett specimen, still trying to map out what exactly they are, how they work. How they begin as one thing and end as something entirely other.

"Jaal," she smiles, distractedly. "What did you need?"

"I wanted to talk about Ryder," Jaal says and Lexi's face falls. She worries too, he knows. He has heard her talking in hushed, urgent tones while Ryder looks bored, looks annoyed. "Liam says he is ill."

"It's complicated," Lexi says. "It's not something I can fix with medigel. Not unless he wants me to."

"So you agree? He is sick?"

Lexi sighs. She pulls her arms out of the kett, pulls her gloves off with a snap and disposes of them. "Maybe, I don't know. He'd have to actually talk to me for me to figure out that. And even if he _is_ sick, we'll only be able to do something about it if he wants to. If he thinks something's wrong and I don't think he - " she breaks off.

"I do not think he wishes to be like this," Jaal ventures when it becomes apparent she is not going to continue.

Lexi looks up at him, curious.

"I have seen him, in the field. We have a word for it in angaran but I do not know if it will translate well. Simply put: he does not seem present, his eyes are very far away not just sad, absent."

"The thousand yard stare," Lexi says, smiling faintly. "We have a word for that too."

"Yes," Jaal says. "That is apt. And the AI - SAM - he does not want it there."

Lexi makes a face. "I know. Trust me, I heard all about it on the Hyperion. But SAM's keeping  him alive , I couldn't separate them if I tried."

"He tried to cut it out," Jaal says.

Lexi looks concerned but she doesn't have a chance to question him, SAM's voice comes over the comms. "If I may, Dr T'Perro, Jaal, the Pathfinder is in Kralla's Song and could use some assistance."

"Go," Lexi says. "I'll prep a bed."

\---

Kralla's Song is packed and sweaty, Jaal can hear the fighting as soon as he enters the port. He presses through the crowd, thinks he spots Liam but can't be sure. The patrons have made a wide arc around the bar, there ten or twelve fighting, a few more already downed. The bar tender is yelling for them to stop. Drack is standing against the far wall.

In the centre, there is the turian from Havarl - Avitus Rix, the one who walked away from his duties as Pathfinder and Ryder. Jaal cannot tell which of them will come out on top but there is blood at the corner of Ryder's mouth, frothy blood. "It doesn't matter!" he's shouting. "Do your fucking worst, Rix! You can't kill me!"

"That's enough!" Jaal roars, pushing forward to grab Ryder from behind. For a moment, Ryder's whole body tenses, he is rigid in Jaal's grip. Jaal finds himself surprised at how warm Ryder is, at how soft the material of his sweater is. Then, Ryder begins to fight. "Let. Me. _Go._ " he snarls.

Jaal holds on, starts to drag him back towards the door. "No," he says, firmly.

"Asshole!" Ryder shouts, still struggling. He's strong. Stronger than Jaal thought.

"Pathfinder," SAM says. "I must suggest listening to Jaal."

He keeps trying to twist out of Jaal's grip, uses his momentum to kick off of the floor throw his weight back against Jaal. "Shut the fuck up! Let me go!" He coughs. It comes out red.

"Ryder," Jaal says.

"Pathfinder," SAM says.

"I'm fine," Ryder grits his teeth. The white is mostly red. "It's fine."

" _Pathfinder,_ " SAM says, again and this time a funny thing happens. Ryder goes limp in Jaal's grip.

"Fuck you," Ryder says. He sounds defeated. "Fuck you, fuck you, _fuck you_."

Jaal begins again to carry him towards the doors. "SAM?" he asks.

"I have immobilised Ryder temporarily to assist you," SAM says. "It is for his own benefit."

"Thank you," Jaal says and he means it. They reach the door, push out into the cool night air. Ryder makes a soft sound. He sounds miserable. So miserable. Jaal aches. Wants to do something to soothe it away. But he is angry. Angry that Ryder could be so careless. So stupid.

Drack has joined them. "You interrupted just as they were getting to the good part," he says, conversationally as they walk.

"He is _injured_ ," Jaal says. Growls.

"I wasn't gonna let him get too messed up, don't worry. I'm not completely irresponsible, you know."

\---

"You've broken four ribs, your left lung is collapsing," Lexi says when they get Ryder back to the Tempest. "You're an idiot."

Ryder is quiet, jaw set.

"Thank you, Jaal," Lexi says.

\---

Akksul falls heavily. The blood arcs out behind his head.

Jaal does not care that there are others watching, that Vetra is also present. He grasps Ryder by the throat, steers him towards the nearest large rock and slams him into it. Ryder is not wearing his helmet, his neck snaps forwards; his head connects with the rock. Ryder makes a sharp little sound, his forehead is bloody.

Jaal grips him tightly by the back of his neck. "Akksul's death will strengthen the Roekarr's cause. Why didn't you _trust me_?" he hisses.

Beneath him, Ryder shudders. "He was going to shoot you," he says and there is a tremor in his voice. Jaal has never heard that before, not when facing the Archon, not in the Salarian ship before SAM stopped Ryder's heart.

"Can we finish this back on the shuttle, boys?" Vetra calls.

Jaal lets Ryder go. He has just thrown away any chance they had at peace with the Roekarr. More of Jaal's people will fight and die needlessly because a human from the Milky Way has difficulty trusting others.

Jaal wants to scream. Wants to pound Ryder bloody, leave him a mangled pulp like he leaves his victims. He sees now, he thinks, what the others thing, understands their contempt.

Ryder gets up slowly.

\---

He brings his siblings home. His family want to meet the Pathfinder, Jaal tells them he is very busy. There will be time for that later, after the Archon, after Meridian.

He returns to the Tempest. Everyone is very gentle with him, they tell him they're sorry, how they wish things could be different. Jaal thanks them. It is only when he gets into his room that SAM's voice crackles over the comms to him.

"The Pathfinder wishes to see you in his quarters, Jaal Ama Darav."

Jaal does not go.

\---

Jaal next sees him in the galley. Ryder says nothing too him, the cut on his forehead is slathered in medi-gel, little more than a thin red line.

\---

In the Remnant City, Ryder drops to his knees. His hands come up to his hair, he grips, he tears. His mouth is open like he's screaming, his eyes are squeezed shut.

"No," Ryder says. " _No._ "

"What's happening?" Peebee asks.

Ryder lurches up, stumbles towards the door.

"Nothing good," Vetra says but her brows are furrowed in concern.

Jaal moves, catches Ryder before he falls. He is heavy, a dead weight. "He's still breathing," Jaal reports as he lowers Ryder to the ground. He rests one hand on Ryder's chest, feels it rise and fall. Rise and fall.

Ryder is still until he isn't. Until he starts to shake.

" _Shit,_ " Vetra says. "Tempest, come in, Ryder's down."

"What's happening?" Peebee asks again, her voice is smaller this time.

Sounds fall from Ryder's lips as he seizes. Choked off whimpers, groans, sobs. Jaal cannot hold him still so he focuses on protecting Ryder's head, stopping it crack against the smooth hard ground.

"Tempest, come in," Vetra says again. "Come in. _Fuck_."

Eventually, Ryder stills. His breaths come in panicked gasps until they even out and his eyes flutter open. Jaal grips his hand without really thinking of it. "Ryder," he says, looks up at Vetra and Peebee, "He's awake."

Ryder's gaze is hazy and unfocussed. He blinks hard, slurs like he's drunk, "It's gone, SAM's gone," he says, there is a faint, brief smile before it vanishes abruptly. Ryder sits up, too fast for Jaal to stop him. "We have to go, we have to get back."

He is unsteady on his feet as he stumbles back towards the console. Vetra and Peebee watch warily. "You're injured," Jaal says. "Without SAM - "

"It's fine," Ryder says. He takes a breath before stretching out his hand to the console.

Ryder screams.

\---

Ryder falls against him as they board the Tempest, his mouth works but no apology comes out. Blood drips from his nose, from his ear. _My sister,_ he'd said, holding himself up on the console, whole body trembling. _He has my sister._

Behind them, the remnant ships under Ryder's control wait.

Jaal wraps an arm around Ryder's waist, waves off his protest and half carries him the rest of the way to the medbay. Lexi's face is grim.

"I told you," she says, when Jaal asks. "SAM was keeping him alive. There was damage we couldn't undo and with the remnant - " she breaks off. "He needs SAM back."

\---

On the bridge, Ryder kisses him.

It is sweeter than Jaal expected. Softer.

"I'm sorry," Ryder says. "I'm sorry. Just let me, please. I want, I want."

Jaal lets him, curls his arms around him and pulls Ryder close. There is a coppery-tang on Ryder's lips where the blood has run too far, too thick. It makes him think of that day after the Salarian ark, of Voeld, of the girl on Kadara with her chest caved in.

He winds a hand through Ryder's hair and tugs hard, shoves Ryder back against the console. Ryder gasps, pants into Jaal's mouth. "Oh fuck," he says. "Oh _fuck_."

Jaal pulls away.

Ryder is gripping the console. His nose has begun to bleed again.

\---

Jaal carries Ryder out of Meridian. Behind them, Liam and Vetra are supporting his sister. She is pale but determined, worried for her brother more than for herself.

Ryder is very still in his arms. He is covered in blood and remnant fluid, Jaal has no idea how much of the blood is his but he has SAM back, his breathing is steady.

Lexi and Dr Carlisle rush to meet them. Lexi breathes out when she sees Ryder, sees his chest rise and fall. "The Hyperion," Dr Carlisle says. "The medbay is still mostly functional."

Jaal sets Ryder down and steps back. Lexi and Dr Carlisle swoop in. Jaal steps back, feeling suddenly useless. Someone grabs at his wrist.

He turns.

Ryder's sister is still being supported by Liam. Her eyes are brown, warm and earnest. "Thank you," she says. "For being kind to him. Thank you."

\---

It is over a week before he sees Ryder again. He and the rest of the Tempest crew have been helping settle Meridian, no one but Ryder's sister and the medical staff have been allowed to see him.

Natalia Ryder is still weak, still pale but she seeks him out, smiles at him like they have known each other forever. "My brother wants to speak to you," she says. "If that's alright?"

Jaal is helping Liam set up little prefab houses. Liam nods. Jaal follows Natalia back towards the Hyperion. She is quiet as they walk but Jaal finds it is not uncomfortable. When they reach the door to their father's quarters she pauses, turns to face him.

"I know I've already thanked you but I really can't say it enough," she says. "He's difficult, I know that but he's trying. And he's kind of awful at trying but still. Thank you."

"You are welcome," Jaal tells her, honestly.

She smiles at him again. So bright, so warm. It confounds Jaal that they are related, he has not met two humans so completely opposed to one another. "He's right inside," she says, unlocking the door with her omni-tool.

When the door slides open she pushes him gently in and steps away, shutting the door behind him.

Ryder is sitting on the bed, he stands up when Jaal enters. "You came," he says. "I wasn't sure if - " he trails off.

The silence grows.

"You look well," Jaal says. Better, he means. Ryder still looks pale but it is less so now.

Ryder nods. He swallows, licks his lips. "I'm transferring SAM to my sister," he says. "I mean, I still it - them - to keep me alive but she'll - she'll be Pathfinder now. She'll do better than me. Help people, found settlements."

Jaal frowns, "Do the others know?"

Ryder shakes his head. "I don't think any of them will care that much. I've already talked it over with Tann so maybe Cora knows? I don't know."

Jaal takes a step towards him. Ryder tenses and for a moment Jaal is certain he will leap back but after a second or so, he stills. "What will you do?"

Ryder shrugs. "I've talked to Kandros a bit about Apex, about joining a strike team. It's all I'm really good for, killing things." He laughs, shakes his head. "My dad was always so surprised, you know? Didn't understand how I turned out so - well, like _this_. I told him over and over, raise a kid to be a gun, you get a gun. The Alliance teaches you to be a weapon." He clenches his fists, "That's all I am. A weapon."

"You are more than that," Jaal says.

Ryder bites his lip, "About the bridge - " he begins.

"Come with me to Aya," Jaal interrupts. He does not fully mean to say the words but they slip out anyway and he finds himself glad.

Ryder eyes him suspiciously. "I don't know what you want from me," he says quietly.

Jaal reaches out to smooth back Ryder's hair from his forehead. The thin red scar from Havarl is still there. Jaal brushes against it. Ryder shudders, closes his eyes briefly. "Nor do I," Jaal hears himself say.

"I - " Ryder says. "I - fuck, whatever - okay, yeah. I'll come."

\---

On Aya, Jaal kisses him roughly. The water ripples around them. Ryder paws at him, blunt nails raking over Jaal's chest and hips and back. "Stop, stop," he says.

Jaal does.

Ryder looks at him, bright gaze piercing. "You know what I am, right? You know I'm not - I'm not - _right._ "

 _Yes,_ Jaal thinks. _No. You're perfect. We can fix this. I understand, I understand._

"I'll hurt you," Ryder promises. "I might even mean it."

"Perhaps," Jaal says.

He closes the gap between them once more, tugs them back towards the bank so he can lay Ryder down and spread him out against the fine sand. He has spent more time than he would like to admit picturing this, wondering about the sounds Ryder will make when Jaal bites at his shoulders, when Jaal takes him into his mouth, when Jaal presses in. He already knows Ryder will try to be quiet, his cheeks are flushed, his hands dug into the sand like he's holding on for dear life.

Jaal wants to hear him wail. Wants to hear him whimper and moan. Wants him to beg. He has never wanted that for anyone before, never wanted for anything more than a partner willing and satisfied. Ryder has changed him. Ryder has driven him mad.

He kisses down Ryder's neck, runs his hands down Ryder's sides, grips his hips.

Ryder lets out a breathy little moan.

"What do you want?" Jaal asks against his skin. "I want to hear you say it."

Ryder moans, "Fuck, fuck, you - want you, _please_."

" _Yes_ ," Jaal breathes.

\---

He commits the sounds Ryder makes as he works him open, as he presses in, as he rolls his hips to memory. Ryder is asleep against Jaal's chest, Jaal strokes his arm absently.

It is absurd, he thinks, that someone who can be so cruel can look so completely unguarded in sleep. So small, so young. He does not want to move, does not want to disturb Ryder.

He wonders if Natalia Ryder has taken up the mantle of Pathfinder officially yet, how the Tempest is adjusting to her. He misses it, he realises, the Tempest, the little mish-mash family he had come to know. There will be a choice someday perhaps, between Ryder and the rest of them.

Jaal pretends he does not know which he will decide on.

**Author's Note:**

> i guess all my ryders are giant disasters.
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
